TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from place. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, positive, let's have another spot the place American Adult men can don robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up Trump Tower Damascus a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he really should halt working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You realize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from Area, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have flip-down provider."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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